There's No Harm in Just Pretending
by Mia-Zeklos
Summary: I don't want to think, Alec had told him earlier that day; just a few minutes before they'd ended up in his bedroom. The desperation in his eyes had almost made Jace say no – he couldn't be sure that Alec was thinking straight if the only thing he wanted was to not think at all.


**Author's Notes: I haven't posted anything here in _months_ , but I thought I'd move some of my newer stuff here too. To all the followers I have here - I've mostly moved to AO3, where I go by Mia_Zeklos.**

"You know, when you told me that you wanted to do this," Jace started, pacing the room with a clear, deliberate ease to his step that was just guaranteed to keep Alec on the edge of his metaphorical seat, "I almost thought we'd have to do it in a hotel room. You're always so loud; I couldn't even imagine what you'd be like if we went this far."

The only answer he got was absolute silence and Jace smiled. The silence was necessary; despite the silencing runes they'd placed on the door and on the walls, they were both sure they'd missed at least one strategic spot and the walls of the Institute were awfully thin. It wasn't a place meant for secrets, much less the kind of secrets that could get them both killed.

Right now, Alec was staring at Jace with that focused but unreadable gaze of his; the one that could mean a million different things under the right circumstances. Today it was mostly full of heat and it only encouraged Jace further. He was always a pleasure to look at, but especially so now – already out of his gear and sprawled comfortably on the bed that dominated the room. It was a welcome change from the blood and fangs Jace still couldn't quite shake off from his mind.

He climbed up on the bed, kneeling over his parabatai's body so that he could see Alec more clearly and crawled over him to kiss him, only to pull away a moment later.

Alec had asked for this, he reminded himself. Not directly; he doubted that Alec would ever learn to put what he wanted first, but he'd been hinting at it long enough to drive Jace to frustration, at which point he'd taken the initiative. He'd been the one to do most of the talking; he'd asked for every detail, no matter how small or insignificant, that had finally led them to this.

"I can't wait to see you covered in the bruises I mark you with," he whispered against his parabatai's lips and watched, delighted, as Alec pressed up against him and offered a small, breathless whimper in response. Oh, but he was trying, Jace thought; he was trying so hard to be quiet. He was both pleased and disappointed by it – Jace knew how careful they had to be, but Alec's cautiousness meant that he was still too focused for his liking.

Making good on his promise, Jace repositioned himself and kissed a trail down Alec's neck, grazing his teeth over the skin just under his collarbone. He had to be careful with this, too, couldn't afford to leave traces of himself where everyone else could see and the thought riled him up enough for him to bite down, a feral smile curling his lips when Alec reacted by bucking against him, harder this time.

"Patience," Jace murmured and couldn't help but laugh at the expression Alec gave in return. "You should see your face right now."

"You can install a mirror on the ceiling if you'd like to," Alec said in a pointed whisper, as if to remind him of just how cautious they had to be. "Not right now," he added hastily and Jace had the sneaking suspicion that he'd looked like he'd liked the idea too much. Alec didn't like giving him ideas.

"Not right now," he said reluctantly. "But it is an idea."

"For another time," Alec protested. He wasn't much of a talker even under normal circumstances and his impatience shone through now. "Jace, I thought-"

"You thought right," he interrupted and Alec fell quiet, intent eyes following every little movement Jace made. "I'm going to take you apart, Alec," he warned, relishing in the way Alec's face lit up. "Bit by bit. And, if you remember what you promised me..." he trailed off, trailing one of his hands down Alec's chest, fingers sliding over the side of his ribcage. Alec's breath always hitched slightly when he was touched there and now was no exception. Jace prided himself on how well he could play him and Alec had never complained; after all, he'd always been on the receiving end of his attentions. "You have to be very, very quiet and very, very still. Do you think you can do that?"

"Yeah," Alec said and oh, his voice was already delightfully breathy, full of the promise and anticipation of what was to come. "I can do that."

"Good," Jace said simply with a quick peck to Alec's lips before lifting himself up and sitting on the edge of the bed. "If everything goes according to plan, this is going to take a while and I don't think you'd want to miss any of it."

Jace didn't need Alec's confirmation; he already knew. It was partly information he could gather through the bond, as it was with most of the stronger sensations, and partly because of a different bond altogether. He'd learnt every aspect of Alec's face years ago and had learnt to read it well enough to almost never be fooled by whatever was coming out of his mouth, and such knowledge could be useful, in battle as well as when they were all on their own.

They hadn't bothered with restrictions of any kind. Alec was free to move if he wanted to; to both of them, it only added to the thrill of him not being allowed to do it. Jace had often wanted to ruin that impeccable self control of his until nothing was left of it and Alec was as honest as he could get, body and soul, but it was something else that he wanted now. He wanted to test that self control to its limits; wanted to see how far it could possibly go before breaking.

Knowing Alec, it would take a long time, but that was perfectly fine. Jace was more than willing to wait if his reward was going to be so sweet.

Taking his stele from where he'd left it on the nightstand, Jace grinned at Alec's suspicious glare in his direction. "Where's the trust?" he taunted. "You know how good I am with runes."

"That's why I have to draw them all on you," Alec deadpanned. "I don't think you need that."

"That's too bad, because I do," Jace countered. Alec wasn't really protesting; he was just being Alec, which was enough to mean that he could proceed.

Even if Alec really was better at the drawing process when it came to runes, Jace was the one who thought up all sorts of uses for them. The heat rune was a good example of that; he knew it when placing it on Alec's lower arm drew another whimper from him. Runes, at least, were easy to explain – Alec could just say that he'd been cold, even though a heat rune's applying could be quite extreme. That was, of course, why Jace preferred it – it made the user feel like they were burning inside and that would definitely have the desired effect. It wouldn't hurt Alec – Jace wouldn't have ever risked it if he'd had even the slightest suspicion that it might – but it drove him to near-incoherence that much faster.

I don't want to think, Alec had told him earlier that day; just a few minutes before they'd ended up in his bedroom. The desperation in his eyes had almost made Jace say no – he couldn't be sure that Alec was thinking straight if the only thing he wanted was to not think at all – and the only thing that had reassured him was the fact that they'd discussed this before. I don't care how, he'd added, as if the endless list of possibilities would change Jace's mind. Be rough; be careful, I don't care. Just make me forget.

Jace couldn't have denied him anything after that; not when he himself had wanted to forget. Their latest mission had been the stuff of nightmares and Jace could still see the scene playing in his head. The fact that they'd finally managed to kill the demon someone had let loose in a kindergarten of all places was a small comfort for everything they – and everyone else involved – had endured in the meantime.

So Jace had strained his memory to come up with every kind of distraction he could think of, and there were only so many things to do when all he had was a stele and Alec's scarce belongings scattered around the room.

"Jace," his parabatai spoke again, his voice tenser this time. "What are you doing? This rune is old; no one ever-"

"It's not old," Jace corrected, "it's just underused. And I think it'd do you good."

Despite their angelic origin, there was a fair amount of runes that could only cause pain. No one used them now, but Jace had read, mostly in the old dusty volumes of the library in the Wayland manor, that they'd been used on Shadowhunters in training before. The books his father had given him had never really dwelled on that, but Jace had always imagined that in a harsher, even more brutal world than the one they lived in now, Shadowhunters must have been taught how to strengthen themselves against pain. And what better way to achieve that than for their trainers to cause some of that pain themselves?

"Jace, please," Alec said, voice low and almost shaky but definitely enough to pull Jace out of his thoughts. He'd finished the rune already – this one was supposed to send a sharp shot of pain down Alec's back for just half an instant.

"What is it?" Jace asked with a raised eyebrow; the absolute picture of innocence. His calm demeanour was the exact opposite of Alec's unusually open expression. "You wanted me to be rough, so I'm being rough, darling. Can't you handle it?"

"I can handle it," Alec got out between gritted teeth. "But that doesn't mean I want to."

He did want to, on some level, or so Jace suspected. He took a quick look at his lover's body and wasn't at all surprised at what he saw: Alec's arms were still pinned by his side, ever the good little soldier, and his body was tense from all the sensations that coursed through it. He was hard already, even though they'd been at this for such a short time, and that wasn't much of a surprise either. Alec loved pain both because it provided him with the diversion he sometimes needed and because he enjoyed the sensation of it. Jace had never understood that – there was enough pain in their way of life; what was the use of adding more? – but he'd never take away something that Alec enjoyed, regardless of how foreign it was to him.

"Then what do you want?" The question was honest; probably one of the few honest things Jace had allowed himself to say in the past hour. If Alec wanted him to play a role for him, then so be it, but if he wanted something else, then Jace wouldn't be the one to refuse him.

"You have–" Alec struggled for a moment, looking away from Jace as if he was ashamed. "It's taking too long. You have to do it harder."

"No," Jace said, already shaking his head to make his point. "Playing around with runes is one thing, but this-" he shook his head again, placing the stele back at the nightstand. "It can be dangerous. It could burn skin off, Alec."

"Then do something," Alec said, eyes wide and dark and Jace wondered if he knew what kind of effect he was having; if he knew what lengths Jace would go to for him. "Anything you want; it doesn't have to hurt."

I don't want to think. Of course the first thing that had come to Alec's mind was pain; Jace remembered every time he'd seen him work his stress off in the training rooms until he almost dropped from exhaustion. It was only natural that he'd think of pain again even when it came to something that should have been purely pleasurable.

Jace gave it only a second's thought. Despite what they'd attempted to do tonight, there was only one way to force Alec to stop thinking.

Wordlessly, Jace got up and looked through the pockets of his jacket where he'd tossed it at the edge of the bed and came up with a sachet he'd kept there just in case. Alec was rarely spontaneous enough for anything to happen outdoors, but Jace prided himself on his optimism, especially since it had turned out useful now.

"Oh," Alec said, sitting up and propping himself against his pillow. "What do you want me to do?"

"Stay where you are," Jace commanded as he took off his shirt. "And lie back down."

He took off his clothes – already in a hurry now that he'd realised how much Alec really needed the distraction – and tore off the packet as he made his way to Alec again. This time when he kissed him it was with all he had; only pulling away when Alec's breath hitched against his lips as Jace's hand wrapped around his cock. He hadn't expected it, he could tell – he'd expected an entirely different outcome.

"That's right," Jace answered the unasked question, reaching out and wrapping his hands around Alec's wrists to press him down. "I still want you to stay still, no matter what I do, until I tell you not to, okay?" Alec nodded, already straining up for another kiss. Jace allowed it for just a second before pulling away, looking down to find his position. He'd already prepared for it while he'd distracted Alec and had let Alec distract himself and he knew that they were both ready.

It was always that moment of anticipation that Jace found the sweetest; the last second before the painful pleasure that no preparation could truly deprive him of.

"Ah," Alec gasped, mirroring his thoughts. It was clear that it was taking everything in him to keep still and Jace gripped his wrists a little tighter in a reminder. "Jace-"

"I know," Jace assured him, letting himself sink down as far as he could. They hadn't had the time for this in almost a week and the feeling was almost too good to be true. "Wait, I just need- I need a moment-"

He needed less than a moment, as it turned out. Ever since they'd first dared to explore this part in their relationship, they'd never been able to stay away from each other for too long and Jace suspected that their bond had something to do with it too. The more they were together, the stronger it got and the more difficult it was for them when they were forced to be apart.

The self control Jace had wanted to crumble was finally doing so now and he smiled when he felt Alec's fingers dig into his hips. He'd leave bruises there tomorrow, just like the ones Jace was going to leave on him, and the thought alone made Jace bury his face in Alec's neck, answering the firm grip with a vicious bite. He started moving before long, quick and sharp and deep enough to hurt, just like he'd wanted it, just like how Alec had wanted it. Sooner or later, what they wanted always aligned.

At some point, Jace had forgotten to keep hold of Alec's hands. Instead, he'd propped his arms on both sides of his head just enough to keep himself up. He wouldn't have managed it otherwise, with his knees going as weak as they'd had and his entire body synching with Alec's, striving to get as much out of their connection as was physically possible.

"Harder! Harder!" Jace heard himself say and one of Alec's hands left his side, snaking into his hair to pull his head up. Alec smiled at him wildly and Jace knew what he would do before he'd done it, but didn't stop him – this was what he'd been aiming for.

Alec flipped them over, one of his hands still supporting Jace as he pressed him into the bed. Jace lifted himself up just enough to allow Alec better access and he threw his head back, bracing one hand on his parabatai's shoulder as he wrapped the other around his cock.

All he could hear now was Alec's quick, shallow breath and he smiled to himself. If there was one thing that got Alec to stop thinking about anything but the current place and time, it was letting him take complete control of the situation.

"Harder," he encouraged again and Alec complied, his thrusts already frantic enough for Jace to be sure that he wouldn't last much longer. "Alec!"

His name alone was enough; even with his eyes closed, Jace could recognise the telltale moan at the back of Alec's throat, the one he always tried to suppress, followed by almost complete stillness as his parabatai kept mouthing at his neck. It should have felt dirty and messy, and to some degree, it did, but Jace enjoyed even that; the warmth of Alec's body over him, the slightly larger hand that joined over his to double his efforts until Jace came too, muffling his own whimper into Alec's shoulder.

With another quick kiss, Alec took his place back on the bed as they tried to calm their respective breaths. The door was locked, and their rooms were next to one another anyway; there was no point in moving now, Jace thought. Even if there had been, he couldn't find it in himself to do so and he reached for Alec's hand on top of the blanket.

"Feel better now?" he asked, turning to look at his parabatai when there was no response, only to see him fast asleep.

No point in asking. Jace let himself be just a little bit smug about it. There was nothing they couldn't fix; not when they were together.


End file.
